oh. skype.

got to commie dinner at the french's last nite. it was so good to see john, jane, hannah and tom returned home from the roadtrip and the gang :) yay.

and ... i got to 'see' jo on skype which was such a blessing today. oh. its so high-tech!! video cameras and the rest... i will have to fix mine up...

im enjoying the part time work at the moment. so much more flexible in being able to connect with loved ones in different time zones far far away.

yay.

thank God for friends!

praise God for the internet!

aside from information overload and way too many applications (at times-- esp in facebook) i love that i can communicate with my family, my friends. its such a blessing.

but mind you... nothing beats seeing people in the flesh-- face to face. that is a real blessing.

what a mystery though--- how technology seeks to 'connect' people together, but we might all just end up communicating in the solitude of our homes-- writing to one another via the internet!

balanced.

feeling balanced today.

im excited again!

its sooo good.

back in the pool-- the kiddies are soooo cute!!!

back to loving life!!!!!!!!!!!! where have i been?

im nineteen again.

apparently i look 19. or pass for a teenager. (so ive been told lately by grans at church)

this makes me laugh. and cry. all at the same time.

is it my asian genes?

i guess i dont like it sometimes, only because people treat you differently when they think youre a 'kid'.

but it does make for good laughs when i try avoid eye contact with a bouncer at a bar--and look like im 'sneaking in' to an over 18's venue... not much hope with a gold drivers licence as my ID. i look even younger on that than i do in person!

today's forecast: clouds are clearing.

things are getting better.

slowly. but surely.

acceptance.

God. give me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change. courage to change the things i can... and wisdom to know the difference.

i miss my dad

so im trying this new thing... i.e. talking about my dad.

plus... i had lunch with my uncle dennis yesterday. he was Dad's best friend during university.
it was a nice lunch. U.Dennis in some ways probably sees me like part of the 'family'. i guess with all those that are familiar with chinese lineage and community... alot of our chinese relos are related somewhere along the lines.... esp those that immigrated here many generations ago...

anyhoo... it was just lovely. i felt very spoilt-- his kids are all in their late 30's- 40's (similar to my family i guess, but i was born much much later... ). He took me to have a nice lunch at the Tea Room at QVB. Ive always wanted to go there. I have heard of the afternoon teas they have there, but we didnt do that, we had a nice lunch special. salmon. always a favourite. anyhoo. My uncle is a solicitor and i think is ready for retirement. He would easily be in his 70's now. My dad would have turned 72 this year.

so he shared with me more clearly their history. my uncle actually knew my dad's eldest sister first at school. strangely enough, dennis went to a girls primary school in hong kong in the 40's. there werent enough schools, so some of the boys went to whatever school was available. anyhoo...

he shared of a funny story where my dad had actually 'crashed' his honeymoon he married my aunty rose (i think that is why my middle name is rose :D)... pretty funny imagining my dad driving in his first car (a white beetle) and driving all the way from sydney to melbourne in a day... to be their chauffeur! He did that in 1963.

one thing that was really interesting was that i had gone on family holidays with mum, dad, u. dennis and rose when i was about 8. i guess being the 'baby' of the family meant that i got to hang out with the oldies while my other siblings got left to their own devices. i guess what may have been seen as a 'lucky' kid to go on these cool adventures to then europe and the usa (i went many times before the age of 12) because dad was an electrical engineer for SBS back in the eighties, he had lots of conferences he went to in vegas ( i remember, because i snuck in a 'poker' machine pull at the age of 8) so... i got taken along.

if anything... i only just realised, that i am glad i have these wonderful memories of travelling, because... in some ways, my siblings are 8 to 12 years older than me in age respectively ( i have 3 sisters and eldest brother) and well, i kinda felt like i didnt get to know dad as an adult or a teen... something that i definately missed out on and now coming to think of it... it makes me feel better than i was lucky enough to have those times with him... thats probably why i like the U.S. so much. not cos of Bush== but certainly, because of the fun, positive memories they evoke of time with mum and dad back then.

yes. i think this is healing. talking about Dad. i think its healthy.

krang

oh, this was too funny to pass up.
i love the site bustedtees. ( i should get commission for this!)
they just have released this t-shirt with 'KRANG' on it. oh my gosh, i totally forgot about this other villain from the TMNT (teenage mutant ninja turtles) cartoons!
the name immediately flooded memories of my favourite afternoon school tv cartoons :) oh... memories. (im trying really hard not to think im getting old(er)...

i love bookstores...

ive been feeling very bookwormy of late...
been reading all sorts of psychology books... self help if you would call them ( i personally hate the term)... jo had read ' a road less travelled' and jane leant me a copy. its fascinating... and yet, all this reading about 'dependency' and all that within society and relationships has gotten me twisted in a knot about how i dont want to be in a co-dependent relationship and wonder how the heck i would firstly, identify it and secondly, how to not be 'sucked in'... as with most things scary... the fear of the unknown is a seeming shroud.

im also fascinated by how we view our society and question how we function in it. questioning why we do what we do. i started reading a book called 'enough' at the local bookstore today by John Naish-- from the book jacket:

"For millions of years, humankind has used a brilliantly successful survival strategy. If we like something, we chase after more of it: more status, more food, more info, more stuff. Then we chase even more. It's how we survived famine, disease and disaster to colonise the world." "But now, thanks to technology, we've suddenly got more of everything than we can ever use, enjoy or afford. That doesn't stop us from striving though, and it's making us sick, tired, overweight, angry and in debt. It burns up our personal ecologies and the planet's ecology too." "We urgently need to develop a sense of 'enough'. Our culture keeps telling us that we don't yet have all we need to be happy, but in fact we need to nurture a new skill - the ability to bask in the bounties all around us." "In Enough, John Naish explores how our Neolithic brain-wiring spurs us to build a world of overabundance that keeps us hooked on 'more'. And he explains how, through adopting the art of enoughness, we can break from this wrecking cycle."

although i will admit im a product of a chinese/australian family. 'wealthy' in the grander scheme of things and well... growing up in hongkong as a child and a mother who always loved to shop... its hard to unlearn the things that you grew up with... the book really resonates with where im at in life. this striving for more. its so futile. it doesnt add to our happinness... in fact, it creates more stress. depending on who you hang around... that is our society. more more more. i really loathe advertising. ironically, i used to work in the industry. unless its serving a greater purpose to help those that are less fortunate and marginalised in our world... its just a juggernaut of multimillion dollar proportions to convince you of things that you really 'need'. oh, ive been there. havent we all? who doesnt have a mobile phone? who doesnt own or possess or would like a new laptop-- preferably a mac? or an ipod? dont get me wrong. i love technology. heck, im using it now. but just what is it about technology that i love? the communication? the 'connectivity' the 'speed' the access to information 24/7? why do i need to know that i can at 3am go on the net and find something to entertain me or buy from? its an interesting time we live in. we can get what we want, when we want (provided you have access to the facilities) but in general... most in the western world has access to these things, and yet, has it really added to the quality of our lives?

anyhoo... all this searching comes back to a very introverted delve into my being... who i am... where i am at in life at this point. its 2008. i am 2 1/2 years from 30... (despite my youthful good looks, no, im not 19 years old!) its an interesting if not scary proposition to be approaching the shorter end of the stick towards another decade milestone on this earth....

which leads me to wonder where i 'fit'. not just culturally, but who i am as a result of losing my dad when i was 11... plus the moulding of co-ed public education within the leafy private schooled northshore... having been born overseas... my world has always been infinitely bigger in my mind than the comfy north shore and prior to that i grew up around eastwood/ carlingford--in my pre-teen years-- which is somewhat leafy, but another world from the 'north'. why do i believe in a God who loves us for who we are, but even more so to not leave us separate from him forever. Jesus- infinite wisdom, deity, forgiving, sacrificial, controversial, universal-- he seeks to find those want to find him. He divides. Thats not always a comfortable thought.

anyhoo... so im searching. for what... who knows.

meaning? oh, that sounds so cliche

faith? isnt that just hoping for more, the best... even though we cant 'see it' in our present?

contentment? isnt that just trying to enjoy being in the moment with what you have? would you say that is the theme/ content of the book 'enough'?

purpose? yes. definately. thats a hard one.

---but to use my 'gifts' to bless those around me... thats about all one can do... i dont how else to go about life?!

thank God for grace. for i dont think i am worthy of all the wonderful people, places and things that have blessed my life-- im am infinitely grateful.

i just realised that i started this blog entry on an entirely different note and as usual, have gone and changed the subject back to me... oh, how self indulgent!

meditation

it was my 3rd week of participating in 'christian meditation' tonight at church.
it was lovely.
i am really connecting with God and the silence in these times.

God is not only in nature. but in the silence.

i like it. lots.

things you can remind me of later...

i would like to buy a pushbike. i think it will be better for the environment and even better for my fitness and health.

i've always owned dogs previously. but i think a cat would make a great pet.

thinking of studying to become a fitness instructor. i think it would be hilarious! and fun!

random good thoughts.

had lunch with my cousin natalie today.
we had a really good, nice time down at deewhy.
we talked about the usual... life, work, her teaching career, my swimming instructing and dis-taste most recently for desk jobs, love, parenting and our fathers.
yes. it was therapeutic. i feel sooo much better. it was so nice to be able to share and hangout. we havent done it since we were kids.

Dr. Phil's personality test

I scored 52 on Dr. Phil's personality test
Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, one who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

i also like

online scrabble
horlicks
the beach
the ocean
acquariums- i love fish
milo
good muesli with yoghurt and pear
funny photos
road trips
a good laugh
great music-- jazz, anything thats not on pop radio, live music
walking in the fresh air
reading good books
brothers and sisters (in real life and on tv)

i like

...

pentimento bookstore in newtown.

strawberries. eating them. seeing pictures of them.

that my nephew loves salmon and icecream (not at the same time!)

reading. 

japanese food

indian food

mcdonalds (i know its evil, its my weakness)

sunshine

the sound of gentle raindrops

painting

drawing

making cards

buying gifts

sending cards

chatting with friends on the phone

brunch is even better with friends- at a cool, relaxed cafe with blackboards and good frappes

cups of tea

relaxing music

watching snow fall

snowboarding

driving my car- road trips!

drive thru (mcdonalds!)

reading funny comments on my blog or on photos on facebook

friends who stick by you thru thick and thin

patience

movies

good food, good chats, good company, interesting people

peace

le poisson de Babel est amusement

deseé escribir esta entrada del blog en español sobre todo porque pienso que suena fresca y amo el babelfish... que escribí a email en él al jo el otro día, pero después de que ella re-tradujo nuevamente dentro de inglés. pienso que era definately un caso de ' perdido en la traducción!'. había algo divertido sobre los pechos o... no recuerdo algo y bien el escribir al jo sobre los pechos. anyhoo. compré un libro llamado hoy el ' vivir con un perro negro '. su un libro provechoso de la palabra del cuadro por johnstone del matthew y del ainsley. su un libro de ' cómo tomar el cuidado alguien con la depresión mientras que se ocupa '. la he comprado como indirecta no tan sutil para mi momia del envejecimiento. las familias chinas no hacen frente a esta materia. realmente no apenas familias chinas. cuento a la mayoría de las familias no tengo ninguna idea. su difícilmente bastante lucha de la enfermedad pero hey, por lo menos conozco im no solo. ¡la identificación justa del pensamiento la puso hacia fuera allí!

found this nice list for stress busting. just thinking about it makes me relieved!

• Curl up with small book that you can read in an hour
• Drink coffee in the morning sunshine
• Eat your dinner on the beach or by a lake
• Feed the ducks at the park
• Find a quiet place for a rocking chair ride
• Get a blanket and a book and find a place to park it
• Get a therapeutic massage
• Get some flowers for yourself
• Give shoulder massages
• Go a whole day without music, TV, newspapers or phone calls
• Go lounge on the deck
• Go to an old book store, buy a book, and read the whole thing
• Go to bed and dream!
• Have a mud bath
• Hire a foot masseuse
• Listen to Jimmy Buffet music or any other music that relaxes you
• Nap
• Pick a favorite place to watch the sunset or sunrise and go there often
• Read all night and sleep all day
• Read the newspaper at a park
• Rest under your favorite tree
• Sit and think somewhere
• Sleep in a tree house
• Sleep in a field
• Smell the roses
• Snuggle with gentle creatures
• Spend some quality time with a hammock
• Spend the entire morning in bed
• Unplug the phone and take a bubble bath
• Visit a steam room
• Walk barefoot in the park
• Walk through an old graveyard during the morning hours. Bonus: Find out which gravestone is the oldest.
• Watch the clouds drift by
• Watch the Saturday morning cartoons
• Wear your pajamas all day

i love bad pop songs. and dare i say it... rick astley.

i've found God's Will!

http://www.discipleshiplibrary.com/WillofGod.htm

apparently its found in a nice line drawing of a hand with some words and numbers on it!

ok... so im taking the mickey out of it...

but really.. i heard a friend say the other day... ' God's will--- its about making a godly decision and moving forward in faith'

is it?

good grief!

i have found a reason--- i'm sure it is one of many... but i have come to the conclusion, which may not be so obvious to most... of why i have been going through 'the motions' for so long...

i have been grieving.

the loss of my old home.
the loss of friendships, family, various connections-- esp. those who have moved away
the loss of my job (s) including shock, bereavement etc

the shock and news of traumatic occurances... whilst on my trip in africa
the loss & death of extended family members and others' friend's losses.

i think that although these are in some form separate occurances... and may not be directly linked to me... this has all happened to me in the space of a year.

all this is interwovenly connected to the loss of my dad 16+ years ago. when he died suddenly from a car accident. never to be seen alive again. I was only just 11.

i have realised that when i have lost something significant to me--- say, my friends or family moving away-- or even hear of some tragic loss... i have wondered why i have felt such a painful deep deep loss, even though they are still alive. I believe it is because that i have lost someone like my Dad- who was and is such a significant person in my life, that i feel a deeper sense of pain that I had not realised before... one that may take me much longer to 'get over' or 'move on' from others' experiences.

the tragedy of loss has always dumbfounded me. i realise now, that my rollercoaster of emotions has been set off by present losses and thus is not mutually exclusive to that of my first major loss in my life during childhood. the death of my dad.

i also believe that due to my cultural background and my age at the time. i never really grieved his death 'properly'.

I think i am going through this process now. I hadnt realised what it was before, but now i do. its helping me to make some sense of it.

the biggest thing is that... what has seemed like 'depression'... or become it, is in fact, the deep sense of grieving that i have been going through. melancholic, life looks really blue all the time sorta thing.

hence why i have a habit of telling those close to me how much i appreciate them, or how i miss them or put my energy put into keeping in contact... For me, i have always thought... ' i may never see them again'... i guess although that sounds bleak, or fearing the worst... the good thing about that is... i try to make the effort to make the most of every opportunity... when i can at least- to stay connected.

i think thats why i am the way that i am... open to new ideas, trying new things... searching... helping... meeting new people... aside from the fact that its in my personality... i believe that deep down... we are all loved and valued by God and we have so much to offer the world-- even when we have stuffed up majorly or thought that somehow 'we' were in control of our lives. we only need to know the pain of life to know that 'sin' is what tarnishes our journey-- but that which doesnt break us or destroy us, will only make us stronger.

i call this healing.

Thanks to my extended Community family- in particular Jane for helping me realise that this is perhaps the journey that i am currently on. I know that you guys have experienced the deep loss of David of late... so i guess this journey is close to your heart too. I think I am most thankful for the 'space' given for me to grieve. For 'space' to grieve has not been a common theme... in my life nor in my immediate family and in particular, my dear mum before.

oh, and if it wasnt obvious... (it hasnt been my experience to acknowledge this in my past)... healing takes an infinate amount of time. sometimes its an hour at a time. a day at a time. a week at a time. sometimes its a month at a time... and after a year... if you might feel even slightly thankful that you made it through. that helps. (thats what im going on!)

for me... in all honesty... even though its been 16 years... the tears are real today. i know now that when i have cried... so much of it, although i may be crying for other reasons... deep down, its because of Dad. I hope that now i think i am acknowledging this... when i do grieve in the future... its not cos of Dad, but rather being in the moment of loss and acknowledgement of this other event... maybe that might help.

i am different as a result of this.

waiting to exhale...cheap dosas and expensive frappes-

its monday and i cant complain too much... although i am going to be SOOO happy this afternoon once i say a sad farewell goodbye to the apartment i used to live in... final keys to be dropped off.
its sold now. and being settled on thursday. to be honest. im glad there is a finality to it. its dragged on for a bit too long... where one door closes... another one opens!!?! so thats why i'm happy... more because of the finality of it... and relief and stress of cleaning out the house while sally is now living in perth and her former mortgage will be gone. (exhale).

its sad to say goodbye... but as with all good things... they must come to an end.

(actually, do people believe that? good things coming to an end?)

i guess in reality its true. in theory it sounds a lot more idealistic... like people say... ' you can never have too much of a good thing?' ....

ech. i dont think this is even making any sense.
--------

oh. and the reason for my post. i went along for dosas with david and some of the crew on saturday nite. FUN!

then Jem and i laughed our way through our expensive $6 hot chocolates and $8 fancy fruit frappes at max brenner. gee wizz, next time i go there i think i'll have to take out a mortgage!!!

--------
gotta go!

jesus loves porn stars.

now, i wasnt sure whether to put a ? behind the heading. but after a little bit of thought... its more of a statement.

click on the pic above to head to the website. I was curious to check it out after Tom mentioned it on his blog

being a sucker for merchandise... i found the above pic.

its controversial. thats why i like it.

...

oh, and i loved 'wine and word' on tonight at the frenchs'. fun.
who can say no to a combination of good company... wine, cheese, chips, olive snacks and talking about the complexities or challenges of words from the bible? sounds like a geeky christian gathering to me... but i tell you what. (a) it wasnt geeky and (b) its not like kumbayah was sung and (c) i loved every minute of it.