good grief!

i have found a reason--- i'm sure it is one of many... but i have come to the conclusion, which may not be so obvious to most... of why i have been going through 'the motions' for so long...

i have been grieving.

the loss of my old home.
the loss of friendships, family, various connections-- esp. those who have moved away
the loss of my job (s) including shock, bereavement etc

the shock and news of traumatic occurances... whilst on my trip in africa
the loss & death of extended family members and others' friend's losses.

i think that although these are in some form separate occurances... and may not be directly linked to me... this has all happened to me in the space of a year.

all this is interwovenly connected to the loss of my dad 16+ years ago. when he died suddenly from a car accident. never to be seen alive again. I was only just 11.

i have realised that when i have lost something significant to me--- say, my friends or family moving away-- or even hear of some tragic loss... i have wondered why i have felt such a painful deep deep loss, even though they are still alive. I believe it is because that i have lost someone like my Dad- who was and is such a significant person in my life, that i feel a deeper sense of pain that I had not realised before... one that may take me much longer to 'get over' or 'move on' from others' experiences.

the tragedy of loss has always dumbfounded me. i realise now, that my rollercoaster of emotions has been set off by present losses and thus is not mutually exclusive to that of my first major loss in my life during childhood. the death of my dad.

i also believe that due to my cultural background and my age at the time. i never really grieved his death 'properly'.

I think i am going through this process now. I hadnt realised what it was before, but now i do. its helping me to make some sense of it.

the biggest thing is that... what has seemed like 'depression'... or become it, is in fact, the deep sense of grieving that i have been going through. melancholic, life looks really blue all the time sorta thing.

hence why i have a habit of telling those close to me how much i appreciate them, or how i miss them or put my energy put into keeping in contact... For me, i have always thought... ' i may never see them again'... i guess although that sounds bleak, or fearing the worst... the good thing about that is... i try to make the effort to make the most of every opportunity... when i can at least- to stay connected.

i think thats why i am the way that i am... open to new ideas, trying new things... searching... helping... meeting new people... aside from the fact that its in my personality... i believe that deep down... we are all loved and valued by God and we have so much to offer the world-- even when we have stuffed up majorly or thought that somehow 'we' were in control of our lives. we only need to know the pain of life to know that 'sin' is what tarnishes our journey-- but that which doesnt break us or destroy us, will only make us stronger.

i call this healing.

Thanks to my extended Community family- in particular Jane for helping me realise that this is perhaps the journey that i am currently on. I know that you guys have experienced the deep loss of David of late... so i guess this journey is close to your heart too. I think I am most thankful for the 'space' given for me to grieve. For 'space' to grieve has not been a common theme... in my life nor in my immediate family and in particular, my dear mum before.

oh, and if it wasnt obvious... (it hasnt been my experience to acknowledge this in my past)... healing takes an infinate amount of time. sometimes its an hour at a time. a day at a time. a week at a time. sometimes its a month at a time... and after a year... if you might feel even slightly thankful that you made it through. that helps. (thats what im going on!)

for me... in all honesty... even though its been 16 years... the tears are real today. i know now that when i have cried... so much of it, although i may be crying for other reasons... deep down, its because of Dad. I hope that now i think i am acknowledging this... when i do grieve in the future... its not cos of Dad, but rather being in the moment of loss and acknowledgement of this other event... maybe that might help.

i am different as a result of this.